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An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

I’m Jack


"My mission is to find the body that Mother Nature Intended, not what McNature provided"

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June 2010
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Dear Lindsay

You’re in trouble girl.  Again!

Ever since Herbie: Fully Loaded, you have been, well, fully loaded.  I note that the State of California has ordered for you to wear an alcohol monitoring SCRAM bracelet and it went off like an old lady yelling out BINGO after crossing off her last number in the jackpot game at the bowls club.

This is not good.

Obviously Dennis Quaid did not give you enough fatherly advice in The Parent Trap and your biological father has no idea on how to raise you.  So I have a solution.

Come and live with me and my family in Australia.

I’ve booked an economy fare on Qantas to arrive in Brisbane this weekend.  I’ve already preselected your seat.  It’s down the back near the toilet – I hope it doesn’t smell too bad – because this is where the flight attendants look after children travelling alone.  Don’t worry, at the airport they’ll give you a name tag before you board the flight, so you won’t get lost, well not more lost than you currently are, you poor child.

On arrival here in Brisbane, I’ll meet you at the main gate after you have come through customs.  Oh yeah, customs.  Lindsay, they do body cavity searches here so please don’t even think about smuggling in any drugs.

Don’t worry about the paparazzi.  They don’t really exist in Australia. Besides, they are too busy waiting for Lara Bingle to melt down again.

We’ll collect your baggage.  No, not your mental baggage, please leave that at home, but your suitcase.  Note suitcase is singular and not plural.  Only bring one please.  You won’t be needing dresses for premiere’s and any bling.  We’ll be keeping things on the lowdown here.  Besides, we can go shopping at K-Mart for some nice tops and skirts and stuff.  Anyway, that is my wife’s department and she’ll kit you out so you look real nice and not slutty.

Normally when collecting people from the airport I arrive in my car and we leave the same way.  I think we’ll catch the airtrain so you can better see the sites of Brisbane but also to interact with other Australian’s.  Don’t worry, you won’t be hassled by them.  In fact, I think they’ll leave you well enough alone as we all know you need help.

Once we get home, you can move into our spare bedroom.  It’s got a really nice and comfortable single bed.  You don’t need anything larger as you won’t be sharing it with anyone.  I hope you don’t mind, but my desk is in the spare room so I apologise in advance that there isn’t a lot of room.

At my home, you will meet my two daughters who are aged 12 and 5.  They’ll teach you proper manners and I am sure you will learn a lot from them.  Who knows, but you may decide that they will make pretty good mentors to you.

You won’t need to pay board to stay with us.  I don’t charge my daughters, so I wouldn’t dream of charging you.  However you will be expected to complete chores around the house.  Your jobs will be to sweep daily, mop and vacuum weekly.  My wife may need a hand with the washing.  I’m sure you know how to iron clothes.  Actually, maybe you don’t.  Have you ever been seen in the same clothes?  We re-wear clothes in Australia.  There are too many homeless people who don’t have that luxury.

You’ll get $20 pocket money a week until you get a job so spend it wisely.  I’ll help you get that job too.  We’ll hit the pavement and see if we can get you some casual work at Target.  Would you prefer to be on the registers or clean up duty?  If Target is full I know the local Domino’s is hiring.  You can deliver pizzas for a while.  We’ll sort that out when you get here so don’t stress about it now.

Now a couple of rules.  We don’t drink, smoke or do drugs in our household and we certainly won’t be allowing you to.  So leave the cancer sticks behind and lose the number of any dealers you may know in Australia.

You will be expected to eat breakfast every morning and no, Vodka is not allowed.  Toast with vegemite or some Weet Bix and milk is ok.  Dinner time is generally red meat with 3 vegies.  You can join me in front of the TV with a stable table to eat your meal.  We watch shows like Glee and 24 and Underbelly.

Underbelly is a show about the Australian underworld and no, you can’t be involved in the next series Underbelly 4:  The Lowdown on Lohan.  That won’t be happening.

There will be no partying on Saturday nights either.  That is footy night when our team, The Brisbane Lions play.  I’ve already signed you up for a season membership and your scarf and cap have arrived already.  The colours are maroon and blue.  You’ll look great.

Now if you break any of the rules you’ll be given a stern talking to by me.  If you continue to break the rules, don’t be surprised to find yourself over my knee and with a red arse cheek a few seconds later.  You need discipline, Lindsay.  We’ll provide it.

By the end of your stay, you will be all cleaned up and ready and motivated to rejoin the human race and make something of your life.  You can be anything you want to be, Lindsay, with the right attitude.

If you resist and push back and decide the life you are currently living is your better option. Then I fear for you.  Do I need to remind you of people like Marilyn Monroe and Janis Joplin?  They were taken too soon due to their lifestyles.  You are not immune.

Lindsay, you need a daddy.  All of your other daddy’s have failed you.  I will not.

We can’t wait for you to arrive this weekend.

Love The McClanes

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3 Comments

  1. We think it’s very generous of you to fix Lindsay this way. Let us know when she replies 😉

  2. Heather says:

    If Lindsay doesn’t want to take you up on your offer, I’ll come watch Glee with you!

    I had read the Jessica post but someone missed this one. Glad you posted the link on Twitter again!

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