Home » Comedy

Category Archives: Comedy

Gun Control and John Oliver

If you’ve been living under a rock, you probably don’t know that there is a massive debate happening in the United States right now surrounding gun control following yet another mass shooting, this time at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut last December.

The Daily Show, a US TV show hosted by Jon Stewart, has recently shown a three part series on how Australia has dealt with gun control since then Australian Prime Minister, John Howard introduced a ban on automatic and semi automatic weapons after the Port Arthur tragedy in Tasmania in 1996.

By cleverly using satire to get his point cross, John Oliver makes a pretty convincing argument in favour of gun control.

Take a look at the three video’s (click on the links) and tell me if you agree or disagree with gun control reform in the United States.  If you disagree, you better have a pretty good argument and waving the US 2nd Amendment in my face is not it.

Merry Christmas from Lara and I

Lara and I have fallen in love with the Michael Buble Christmas album.  Here, we cover his version of Jingle Bells.  Enjoy!

 

 

911 – You Suck as a Number

We all know that the emergency contact number in the United States is 911. That’s great information for when/if I ever get over there and when/if I ever have an emergency while there, but I was thinking about the actual number itself.

Nine. One. One.

Other than the zero, you couldn’t get two numbers further apart from each other on a telephone key pad.

So you don’t have to look at your phone to see what I mean, here’s one I prepared earlier.

I want to know who the genius was who decided that in an emergency, the two (different) numbers you need to dial are so far apart?  It is an emergency for petes sake.  You want to be able to dial the emergency number as soon as humanly possible.  You don’t want to have to take a cross screen trip from one side of the number keys to the other.  This is valuable time and time that could mean the difference between living and dying!

Sure it’s only a fraction of a second but I would like to have that fraction of a second up my sleeve in case I need to use it later.

I might have a bullet about to hit me and that extra fraction of second I used dialling 911 has left me with no time to dodge. Boom! I’m dead.  Damn you 911. If only you were a little closer together on the keyboard, I could have that time back again. Now it’s too late.  Dead or injured cursing the guy who invented the 911 sequence as my world turns into eternal blackness.

In Australia our emergency contact number is 000.

Yep, due to Aussie ingenuity we have the 3 essential numbers that we need, all in the one spot for rapid dialling. No cross number key pad detour required.

This is why the murder rates in Australia are so much lower. We have that extra time to call emergency services and dodge bullets.

000 – Carry on.  Great work so far.

911 – You suck! Take a long hard look at yourself and pick up your game!

Please rate this post out of 5 stars and leave a comment if you feel compelled. Thanks for reading!

Emmy’s 2010 – Glee Themed Opening

Most of my avid readers know that I am a huge fan of Glee.  I’m a Gleek and proud of it!  So I was pleasantly surprised to see the opening of the 2010 Emmy’s start with my favourite Gleeks plus Jimmy Fallon, Tina Fey and Hugo from Lost!  What a bonus.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay

You’re in trouble girl.  Again!

Ever since Herbie: Fully Loaded, you have been, well, fully loaded.  I note that the State of California has ordered for you to wear an alcohol monitoring SCRAM bracelet and it went off like an old lady yelling out BINGO after crossing off her last number in the jackpot game at the bowls club.

This is not good.

Obviously Dennis Quaid did not give you enough fatherly advice in The Parent Trap and your biological father has no idea on how to raise you.  So I have a solution.

Come and live with me and my family in Australia.

I’ve booked an economy fare on Qantas to arrive in Brisbane this weekend.  I’ve already preselected your seat.  It’s down the back near the toilet – I hope it doesn’t smell too bad – because this is where the flight attendants look after children travelling alone.  Don’t worry, at the airport they’ll give you a name tag before you board the flight, so you won’t get lost, well not more lost than you currently are, you poor child.

On arrival here in Brisbane, I’ll meet you at the main gate after you have come through customs.  Oh yeah, customs.  Lindsay, they do body cavity searches here so please don’t even think about smuggling in any drugs.

Don’t worry about the paparazzi.  They don’t really exist in Australia. Besides, they are too busy waiting for Lara Bingle to melt down again.

We’ll collect your baggage.  No, not your mental baggage, please leave that at home, but your suitcase.  Note suitcase is singular and not plural.  Only bring one please.  You won’t be needing dresses for premiere’s and any bling.  We’ll be keeping things on the lowdown here.  Besides, we can go shopping at K-Mart for some nice tops and skirts and stuff.  Anyway, that is my wife’s department and she’ll kit you out so you look real nice and not slutty.

Normally when collecting people from the airport I arrive in my car and we leave the same way.  I think we’ll catch the airtrain so you can better see the sites of Brisbane but also to interact with other Australian’s.  Don’t worry, you won’t be hassled by them.  In fact, I think they’ll leave you well enough alone as we all know you need help.

Once we get home, you can move into our spare bedroom.  It’s got a really nice and comfortable single bed.  You don’t need anything larger as you won’t be sharing it with anyone.  I hope you don’t mind, but my desk is in the spare room so I apologise in advance that there isn’t a lot of room.

At my home, you will meet my two daughters who are aged 12 and 5.  They’ll teach you proper manners and I am sure you will learn a lot from them.  Who knows, but you may decide that they will make pretty good mentors to you.

You won’t need to pay board to stay with us.  I don’t charge my daughters, so I wouldn’t dream of charging you.  However you will be expected to complete chores around the house.  Your jobs will be to sweep daily, mop and vacuum weekly.  My wife may need a hand with the washing.  I’m sure you know how to iron clothes.  Actually, maybe you don’t.  Have you ever been seen in the same clothes?  We re-wear clothes in Australia.  There are too many homeless people who don’t have that luxury.

You’ll get $20 pocket money a week until you get a job so spend it wisely.  I’ll help you get that job too.  We’ll hit the pavement and see if we can get you some casual work at Target.  Would you prefer to be on the registers or clean up duty?  If Target is full I know the local Domino’s is hiring.  You can deliver pizzas for a while.  We’ll sort that out when you get here so don’t stress about it now.

Now a couple of rules.  We don’t drink, smoke or do drugs in our household and we certainly won’t be allowing you to.  So leave the cancer sticks behind and lose the number of any dealers you may know in Australia.

You will be expected to eat breakfast every morning and no, Vodka is not allowed.  Toast with vegemite or some Weet Bix and milk is ok.  Dinner time is generally red meat with 3 vegies.  You can join me in front of the TV with a stable table to eat your meal.  We watch shows like Glee and 24 and Underbelly.

Underbelly is a show about the Australian underworld and no, you can’t be involved in the next series Underbelly 4:  The Lowdown on Lohan.  That won’t be happening.

There will be no partying on Saturday nights either.  That is footy night when our team, The Brisbane Lions play.  I’ve already signed you up for a season membership and your scarf and cap have arrived already.  The colours are maroon and blue.  You’ll look great.

Now if you break any of the rules you’ll be given a stern talking to by me.  If you continue to break the rules, don’t be surprised to find yourself over my knee and with a red arse cheek a few seconds later.  You need discipline, Lindsay.  We’ll provide it.

By the end of your stay, you will be all cleaned up and ready and motivated to rejoin the human race and make something of your life.  You can be anything you want to be, Lindsay, with the right attitude.

If you resist and push back and decide the life you are currently living is your better option. Then I fear for you.  Do I need to remind you of people like Marilyn Monroe and Janis Joplin?  They were taken too soon due to their lifestyles.  You are not immune.

Lindsay, you need a daddy.  All of your other daddy’s have failed you.  I will not.

We can’t wait for you to arrive this weekend.

Love The McClanes

Share With: Facebook | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumbleupon | Reddit | Blinklist | Twitter | Technorati | Yahoo Buzz | Newsvine

Kung Fu Bear

I came across this clip today of this bear in a zoo doing some pretty amazing things with a stick.  He is known as the Kung Fu Bear and this footage is real as you can tell by the second, unedited video clip.

It is one of the funniest video’s I have ever seen.  I love it!

.

.

Here’s the unedited version.

.

Share With: Facebook | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumbleupon | Reddit | Blinklist | Twitter | Technorati | Yahoo Buzz | Newsvine

Carl Williams – Death of a Scumbag

The Melbourne gangland wars took another turn this week with the murder of notorious underworld identity, Carl Williams.  Williams was bashed by a fellow inmate at Barwon Prison in Victoria and a short time later, died of heart failure.

So what’s the problem?

There is none.  A known drug dealer and murderer is dead.  That’s great.  Maybe not great for his innocent daughter, but great for the many people who have been fucked up by his drugs.  It’s great for the tax payers of Victoria who now do not have to foot the bill for his confinement as a ‘guest’ of the Victorian Government.  That is a saving of approx $50,000 a year.  Cool.  Now that money can be reinvested into meth clinics to help treat those people who have been affected by the drugs supplied by Carl Williams and his scum crew.

The original series of Underbelly focused on the gangland wars in Melbourne. Over 30 people have been killed during this bloody battle over a 9 year period.  If I remember correctly, I don’t recall any innocent people being killed in this series.  It really was a show about murderers and drug dealers killing murderers and drug killers.  Net result?  Society is better off without them.

Wouldn’t it be great if the drug dealers and murderers knocked each other off, saving the police and the justice system the hard work of locking them up?

I have an idea which will benefit society in many ways.

Let’s close down all maximum security prisons, convert them into parks and residential areas and send all of the prisoners (read: scumbags) to a maximum security island off the coast of South Australia (read: Kangaroo Island) and have our own version of Alcatraz.

Better still.  Set it up to be like the 1980’s movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, ‘The Running Man’.  If you haven’t seen ‘The Running Man’, rent it from your local video store this weekend and see how prisoners become the stars of a futuristic reality TV show that hunt and kill each other.  What a great way to not only keep the costs down for maintaining prisoners and their 3 square meals a day, but also reducing the risk of them ever rejoining society again.

Or better still; follow the lead of Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) in ‘Escape from New York’.  In this movie, The Big Apple is now a maximum security prison full of low lives and no gooders, who are not interested in being good citizens.  We could drop all of our prisoners into Hobart and give them Tasmania.  Let them do what they want.  Let them run amok.  They can hunt each other, kill each other, sodomise each other, whatever! Out of sight, out of mind.  The Royal Australian Navy are doing a pretty good job keeping the illegal immigrants arriving every other day out of the country, so extend their operation and patrol around Tassie, and keep the scum from leaving and from stopping anyone trying to get in to get them out!  If anyone does try to escape, the rules of engagement should be simple.  Shoot first, ask no questions later.  It works for Arnie and Sly!

Imagine if one of these scenario’s was up and running.  You could have Martin Bryant and Ivan Milat battling it out for supremacy.  The loser is on a one way trip to hell (if you believe in that crap) and the winner goes on to meet the Snowtown killers.  In days gone by, The Moran family made up of Jason, Mark, Lewis and Des could have tagged teamed against the Ibrahim family led by John.  Outwit, Outlast, Outlive could have been the tagline.  I would tune in to see scumbags killing each other.  Would you?

At the end of the day, Carl Williams was a bad man.  He was made a star because of Underbelly and achieved notoriety the equivalent of bushrangers like Ned Kelly and western villains like Jesse James. The reality was he supplied drugs to kids for money to fund his own personal advancement. When people crossed him, he killed them.  And for all the fame and notoriety and money and women where did it get him?  Bashed about the head with an iron bar and left to die alone in the exercise yard in a prison, joining the long list of drug pushing, murdering criminals who have met the same fate.

He got what he deserved along with the rest of them. Good riddance.
.
.

Share this: Facebook | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumbleupon | Reddit | Blinklist | Twitter | Technorati | Yahoo Buzz | Newsvine